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Alternative Glossary Of Caving, Mining & Underground Rescue Terms

ABSEIL                                    Hand & bollock warming technique

ADIT                                        Smug look on caver's face on Sunday morning

ANCHOR                                  Act of fancying a Casualty Bag (see below)

AMMO BOXES                         Large cigarette carriers

ASCENDER.                            Opposite to Headender

AVEN                                      Light-swallowing phenomena which goes nowhere

BANDMASK                             Hi-tec euthanasia device

BATTERY BELT                        Technical term for switching on light

BEDDING PLANE                     Conjugal accommodation for dwarfs

BELAY                                     What students hang their tackle on having previously ascertained its instability

BELAY BELT                            The act of kicking a belay to check its strength

BLACKDAMP                           Found on inside walls of caving huts.

BLUEWATER                           Only thing certain Cave Divers will be seen in

BODY HARNESS                     Used to remain upright at bar

BOLT                                       As in "Last Orders!"

BOULDER CHOKE                   Any inorganic matter rammed & tamped into inquisitive reporters oesophagus

CARBIDE LAMP                       Device used to extract jammed cavers

CARRYING SHEET                   What you have to do when its your turn to empty the Elsan

CARTGATE                              Rustic door

CASUALTY BAG                      CRO groupie

CAVE                                      Something not to be seen dead in

CAVE DIVER                            Something not to be seen alive in

CAVERN                                  Posh name to rhyme with "Tavern" in caving songs

CEAG                                      Celebrated Electrical Activity Generator

CHAMBER                               Receptacle in which to store spectacles, teeth, spare d iced carrot, etc under bed

CHEST HARNESS                    Ring Miss Smotherem for details

CHIMNEY                                 Play equipment for cavers supplied in most pubs

CHOKE                                    Realisation that its your round

C-LINKS                                   What walls hold up

CLINT                                       Ethnic Yorkshire ankle-breaker

CLOG                                      Anti-squitter medicine

COE                                        Pratt in running shorts

COFFIN LEVEL                        Scale of noise made by smoking cavers

CONTROLLER                          Receptacle for abuse, car keys, reporters bribes, etc

COW'S TAIL                             Grip for use whilst keeping arm warm in bovine heat-pack

CRAWL                                    Saturday night auto-pilot

CROSS CUT                             Very annoyed bleeder

CURTAIN                                  Device to prevent Constabulary observing after-hours activities

D-RING                                    Noise D-phone makes

DEADS                                    Retired Controllers

DESCENDER                           Person sending letter from .Jamaica

DOLINE                                    Queue at DHSS Off ice

DRAG SHEET                          Crap found in bottom of Mexican stretcher

DRIFT                                      Course brain steers on Saturday evening

DRY SUIT                                 Clothing for first 10 minutes in bar

DUCK                                      Sheep substitute

EDGE ROLLER                        Go-faster device for lowering stretcher

ELECTRON LADDER                Detumescent ascending device

EXIDE                                      Elephant's-foot waste paper basket

EXPOSURE BAG                      Heat-pack with big tits

FAULT                                     Something a Controller never, ever has

FIREDAMP                               Found in cavers sleeping bags

FIGURE OF 8 DESCENDER      Large bottle opener

FLAT                                        Pre-pubescent female speleologist

FLUORESCENCE                     Adrenaline rush induced by realisation that you forgot to ring the Weather

FLOWSTONE                           Whiteboard for caver’s graffiti

FLOURESCEIN                         St. Patrick’s Day Guinness dye

FLYGT                                     Service offered on Soho notice boards

FOREFIELD                             Just behind the foreshore in the Goddam Isles

FORMATION                            Underground clothes pegs

FURRY SUIT                            Last year's club dinner suit Centre

GALENA                                  Irish ABLJ filling

GATE                                       Part of dry-stone wall to avoid

GINGING                                  What the Gang do with their Goolies

GROTTO                                  Disreputable Spanish caver

GROVE or GROOVE Caver listens to "Leonard Cohen sings AC/DC"

HADE                                      What Goon keeps falling on

HAND JAMMER                        Person who runs out of Andrex

HANGER                                  Irate Hut Warden

HARNESS                                Fluorescent purple/green Petzl truss

HEADING                                 Bit at the bottom of rescue report in

HILLOCKS/HILLOCKING            Guardian misprint

KARABlNER                             West Indian jet-setter

KARST                                     Term used to describe limestone area when applying for grant for foreign holiday/booze-up

KEYHOLE PASSAGE               Double-deck passage - lower level for Wessex

KIBBLE                                    80g food

KRAB                                      Krustacian

LEG LOOPS                             For use in cases of extreme constipation

LEVEL                                     Most East Anglian caves

LIFELINE                                  A four- pack carry-out during rescue

LITTER                                     What you put rubbish cavers on

LITTLE DRAGON                      Opposite to Fucking Big Aardvark

MAILLON RAPIDE                    Device for slowing down rigging

MASTER CAVE                       Any NHASA-found cave over 2' high

MOLEFONE                             What Jasper Carrot should have had

NElL ROBERTSON                   Inventor by Appointment to Spanish Inquisition

NICAD LAMP                            Hidden bit of an FX2

OGOFONE                               Downstream from Ogoftwo

OLDHAM                                  Book vendor from the wilds of Wales

OLD MAN                                 Anyone who remembers the Swildon's Forty

OPEN                                      Passage that someone else always finds

OPEN RAKE                            What Vietnamese do - Open rakeaway

OX-BOW                                  Humane killer for club barbecues

PARAGUARD STRETCHER       Pretty stretcher for use when TV cameras

PETZL                                      French manufacturer of bespoke bondage gear

PIPE or PIPE VEIN                   Where cavers store exotic vegetation

PITCH                                      Always lacking in singing cavers

PITON                                      Recycled cut-down hangers

POT                                         Most important caving accessory

POTHOLE                                Groove worn in bar counter

PRUSIK                                   Heaven for rope fetishists

RACK                                      Wessex ladder

RAKE                                      Shit-stirring at committee meeting

RAFPEL                                   Frenchman with hot hands & bollocks

RESURGENCE                         Wrong end of Swildons

RIG                                          Dave Irwin (Wig) in China

RISE                                        That early morning feeling

RISING                                     What a gentleman cavers does before 4 pm

ROCKET TUBE                         Bit they kick you up when you get a rocket

ROOF TUBE                             Concrete tube sticking into dig

ROPE WALKER                       Twatt with big boots at pitch head

RUCKLE                                  Crowded bar

SERIES                                   What happens when Sid Perou makes a half hour film which runs for 105 minutes

SHAFT                                     Saturday night horizontal clogg dancing

SHAKE or SHAKEHOLE           Farmers waste bin

SHUNT                                     Wizard prang chaps

SINK or SINKHOLE                   Diced carrot & tomato skin receptacle

SHUNT                                     What happens if you puke whilst pissing in bath

SIT HARNESS                          Truss designed by Barbara Woodhouse

SKED                                      Decoration with in Y fronts

SLING                                      What to do with hook after farting in pub

SOLE                                       Arse

SOUGH                                    Flat wet bit of mine

SPAR                                      Late Nite pie & booze vendor

SPREADER                             Conjugal stemple

SQUEEZE                                Bit of cave that keeps shrinking

SRT                                         Sexual Relief Technique

SRT HARNESS                        Rubber band and pipe cleaner

SRT RIG                                   Rubber band and pipe cleaner with feather

STARDRILL                              Famous divers parade for the Media

STEMPLE                                Conjugal knee stretcher

STITCH PLATE                         Used by students as pulley

STOP (PETZL)                          Heartfelt plea by other equipment manufacturers

STOPE                                    Olde Englishe for above

STRIKE                                    Geological feature that buggers up cave passage

SUMP                                      No room for any more beer

SURVEY                                  Caving very, very slowly

SWALLET                                Baby swallow

SWALLOW                              At least 9 pints

SYSTEM                                  Any NHASA dig over 50’ long

TACKLE                                   Any important equipment - as in Wedding Tackle

TAILINGS                                 Bits left in trap when mouse gets away

TALKING ROPE                        Warning you've had too much Strong Ale

TAPE                                       Flat string

TETHER                                   Bit that Controllers are always at end of

TIRFOR                                    Stretching device for trapped cavers

TRAVERSE                              Wasting time at top of pitch

TROLL                                     Wessex member

TUBE                                       Shaft lying on its side

VADOSE TRENCH                    Scar left by burst vadose veins

VEIN                                        Famous caver/diver

WARDEN                                 Failed rat-catcher and lobotomized caver

WATER GATE                          Flat bit of water over sump with no key hole

WATER TABLE                        Theory without a leg to stand on

WAY BOARD                           Committee of cavers who decide on dig's direction

WETSUIT                                 Drinking kit at end of evening